Raw Blue

ECT has unlocked vivid emotional awareness. I did not realize how disconnected I have been from others. Last night for the first time in my life I understand what it means to feel connected. It's so beautiful. Everything will be different now. I will elaborate later.

Third-Fifth Treatments

Wow, hello. I forgot that I started a blog to track my treatments. Friday was my fifth treatment. Feeling...well..confused. But not in a bad way, more like in a mellow way. I had to stop one of my medications in order to begin ECT (Lamictal a.k.a. Lamitrogine) so I'm already feeling a little weird to begin with. Turns out Lamictal is an anti-seizure medication as on top of being a mood stabilizer. For some reason I feel like I've typed this before. Maybe I have.

For now this is the middle of my treatments  and other than the uncomfortable confusion I feel I am still feeling hopeful. Tomorrow will be treatment number 6. Maybe I will have more to say then. Good night!

Second Treatment

Friday was my second treatment. The headaches and nausea were somewhat better managed, but I was still still on my ass for the rest of the day. I am also starting to notice the memory impairments. Memory will get a little worse with each treatment. So it kind of feels like I'm glimpsing into my near future because I still have enough of my memory to catch myself at times and notice I'm forgetting. That will be a luxury that I will not have much longer.  Other than that I feel pretty good. Feeling positive for the most part. Albeit, already a bit cabin feverish-ish. Keep trying to convince myself that the time off will be good for me, but not being able to drive myself anywhere on my own will take some getting used to. Luckily there is lots for me to work on around the house and I have lots of time for exercising. My mom and I get along great which helps the time pass by easily enough. Yes, off to a good start. I do feel different, even if  ever so slightly.

First Treatment

Yesterday was my first treatment. Word of cation, don't go for afternoon treatments go as early as you can. Where I go starts at 4 a.m. Eventually I'll get bumped up but right now I'm getting put in the afternoon. It just sucks having to wait 8 hours to eat or drink anything. That's easier done when you're sleeping. Haha. Spent most of yesterday feeling sick from the anesthesia, I don't even think I could get myself to watch any shows. Eventually my girlfriend came over and we watched some movies. Very low key. Well, except for the headaches. However, day after I am sitting in my room at my desk and listening to rain fall outside on all of the leaves that engulf my parent’s house. Headaches aren't bothering me. Today I feel very clear minded, even energetic. Can one treatment cause a change? I don’t know. Does it matter? Is this a change or my perception of change? For whatever reason I am sitting here feeling pretty good. Aside from the muscle aches in my neck and shoulder. It hurts to swallow and turn my head. Talking isn’t that great either. That being said, I did start my morning off as the keynote speaker for a youth services event sharing my journey with mental illness. So if that doesn’t tell you how functional I am after the first treatment then I don’t know what will because 150 people is the biggest crowd I’ve had so far presenting through NAMI. So we’ll see where I’m at in a week after a few more treatments but damn good start. I will check in along the way.

Crossing and Uncrossing the Wires

Our big beautiful brains are constructed of 100 billion little cells called neurons. Neurons are the vessels that transmit messages all across the brain. Neuron to neuron communication gives rise to consciousness, motor movement, sensation and perception, language, art, organ functions, and life in general. Our bodies are the orchestra and our brains are the conductor.

When I say "neuron communication" what I am referring to are neurotransmitters. These are specific chemicals each with unique properties. The combination of different neurotransmitters compose the messages. Neurons send signals to one another to trigger a cascade of messages to be passed along to other neurons. Put simply, this is brain activity.

This shows a type of brain imaging called "Diffusion Tensor Imaging". Looking at the brain to the side we are looking at the neuronal highways of the brain. These are the connections. Check out this site for more detail on DTI.  http://www.mayfieldclinic.com/PE-fMRI_DTI.htm


So how do these neuronal signals get sent? When a neuron receives a chemical message from another neuron via neurotransmitters it deciphers that message and formulates a response. Once the new message is ready to pass on to the next neuron in line the chemical signals (neurotransmitters) are converted into an electrical impulse. The electrical impulse carries the new message down the neuron where it is converted back to a chemical signal that can be shared with the next neuron. It all seems rather complex and it is. But this biological design is what makes our brains so efficient. Neurons can transmit signals up to 250 mph. The speed of processing in your brain is beyond comprehension.

Check out this site for more detail on how electricity runs our body: http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/nervous-system/human-body-make-electricity.htm


This was a brief intro to provide some background for understanding how ECT works. ECT uses electricity because electrical current is part of the mechanism our neurons use to communicate, it's like fuel. When someone has a seizure it is because electrical activity in the brain goes haywire. There are countless reasons for this to happen that we don't come close to understanding. In the case of ECT, seizures have been harnessed for their positive effects noticed for mood over history. Now, even though there are several theories about how and why ECT is effective for mood it is still a mystery. But we're always getting closer.

10,374th Day of the Rest of My Life (but whose counting)

Electroconvulsive therapy (formerly know as "electroshock" therapy) has helped individuals find hope at a time when life feels hopeless since the 1930's. On September 19th I have a consultation to begin a series of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. This will not be my first time receiving treatments, but it has been 8 years since my first experience with ECT. 8 years ago I was 19 years old, on disability and receiving ongoing ECT treatments. After my treatments I slowly began to notice things like I wanted to get a job and enroll in school. Things I didn't imagine myself doing. ECT was not the only reason I improved, it was the boost that I needed to be able to try.

Here I am 8 years later needing ECT again. In a way it feels like it will be the first time because I am such a different person now. For the last 2 years especially we (my mind and body) have reached a depletion of resources and crossed a few wires along the way. My brain has tangled itself again and the effects of medication have become only a dull thud inside of my skull. ECT is a decongestant for the brain (figuratively speaking). My brain needs to get some help breathing so that it can eventually grow new, healthier connections that will help regulate my moods and change my life.

Something that is different from my experience 8 years ago is research experience. For the last 5 years I have been doing research in cognitive neurobiology and genetics to find a better understanding of being human.  This time when I do ECT I am going to do it right. To quote Matt Damon in The Martian "I'm going to have to science the shit out of this". This time I know that the effects are real. I am going to keep my mind stimulated for the 4-5 weeks I will have off of work for the treatments. I am going to track my progress (with the help from worksheets I am making for my family and girlfriend to fill out) and focus on expanding my mind for new ways to perceive living.

Today was a (probably disjointed) introduction to my blog. Something that I want to add is that my goal is to use this blog as way to track my memory, moods, and other changes that will hopefully be starting in a month or so.

Thank you to whoever reads this out there in the blog universe. If you have experience with ECT, want to learn about ECT, or consider ECT barbaric please share your thoughts! In fact, everybody share your thoughts it doesn't really matter. Electroconvulsive therapy needs to have more people sharing positive experiences and until then it is just so so important to start a conversation. Even though it has been around for more than 50 years ECT is still considered a miracle of psychiatry. Today the procedure is safe and effective for many people. We need to break down the stigma in any way we can.

Future blogs will include my personal story, the journey through this series of treatments, technical details about the ECT procedure, academic research findings, and various ranting blah blah blah.